I guess I’m jumping on this bandwagon….but….FUCK EVERYTHING YEAHHHHHH.

And not like fuck everything (sexually) but forgive and forget—let go of the pain of yesterday and live for today. (Damn that is some cliche ass shit) but if truly lived, that is a life well lived.

I hold onto things, hold onto my pain, hold onto my anger, hold onto the pleasures of past only to be filled with the remorse of loss but…loss is nothing but a chance to try something new.

I hate that I am bombarded every second of everyday with memories, mostly painful, with no chance to take in what is in front of me, what I am living at that moment. I am losing life, losing opportunities, losing…just fuckin losing.

I am a loser to look so much behind me and not at what is next to me and in front of me.

Well, here’s to a new year. New days come with every nightfall and I need to take advantage of that shit.

you are the one for which reruns of our past episodes (the good, the bad and the ugly) replay in my mind every single minute of every single day

from a tender kiss on the forehead, to a warm embrace

from the depths of a hollowing of my heart when you glare at me after one of my missteps, spills, sneezes, and our misunderstandings, to the tears that cloud my vision when I feel like I have lost you as a lover

so many emotions

so much time

and they continue to take more time, occupying more time in a space where they’re not welcome

when I reminisce sometimes I smile or bite my lip but sometimes the memories cause my heart to race and the pain only stops when I grab a cigarette and breath

through all of the heart wrench and happiness

you showed me that I could be loved

left unattended, I have the biggest regrets

I want to stop and smell the roses

and languish as I recieve doses of serotonin

from the beauty my eyes see, from the light scents and sensual touches my senses take in

I’m making art out of the life I live

Selective sight, composed shots

making sure that my ink doesn’t blot

interacting with you, our voices sync

random sounds on the street melding into a beat

a stroke there, a tickle here

I’d like to massage my surroundings into an aesthetic orgasm

a shift in perspective is what I need, to bleed is even a beautiful thing

each and every action, every mistake, everytime the wind blows, the sun shines, the rain falls

all of it can be shaped

my mind is painting, is composing, is morphing my surroundings

how do you experience your life?

beads of dew collect on the fake spiderwebs hanging on the handrails lining my balcony

clear tape keeps the spiderwebs up but it itself is slowly coming off, days of sun, mist, and fog undermine the adhesive quality of the tape

drunk people fascinated by the presence of decorations finger the webs and they too contribute to an untimely fall of the webs

so untimely if it falls before November…my zealous roommate transformed the apartment a month in advance for the upcoming holiday

it’s nearly halloween

a fever is spreading, lighting up the child within the college students that populate my town

it’s an uncommon opportunity to be something you’re not

all while getting plastered and engaging in primitive mating rituals with other masked, inebriated unknowns

…enjoy halloween folks

follow through

complete the motion

stopping short ruins the arc, it’s an unruly beast to deal with

all of that momentum, all of the energy put into it

when not carried to completion

it goes into chaos

such a heightened sense of what’s…”normal”

I can’t even believe in my own judgement anymore

What am I living?

but another life, so far detached I’m losing touch from the world

contradictory statements swirl around me

not free, from this prison of thought

mind stuck in habits

patterns

so

fucking

distorted

Don’t share love with those who won’t appreciate it

Don’t worry love, because you’re in the right and those who think you’re wrong are wrong

Don’t feel oppressed by your love, the love that maybe you can’t fully accept right now and keep hidden

Don’t feel pressured to hide or share your love, it’s up to you who knows, only tell the worthy

But

Do bask in your love, it is special

Do what your heart desires and don’t let fear inhibit your actions

Do love with all the love in your heart, that love will grow to come back to you burning more intensely than before

Damn y’all give me hope in the world. Love I shall so love I shall receive.

cut throat

everyone seems like a misanthrope

but truth is we don’t look beyond ourselves

pain manifesting in every unfulfilled desire

we tire, so easily from searching for each bit of happiness

rooted in unattainability is the key to why we are so masochistic

and it makes me sick

that we’re so easily rewired to pick

everything and anything that is bad for us

so drunk, so confused

the thoughts pound their way into my mind

drink up, it’ll make you forget

so many emotions, not enough alcohol

drown it, don’t let it surface, a continuous flow to keep everything submerged

almost as if keeping it under will make it dissappear forever, but no

it’s just a desperate attempt to prolong a blissful ignorance to what’s inside

smoking to regulate, such an unstable state

breathing the bitter tasting smoke, something more distasteful than what’s in your mind

it draws them out, clears the thoughts for a second, but really only suffocating them, drenching them in toxic smoke to come back stronger and more painful than before

but it’s still a momentary reprieve. you need it when everything just aches

and spasms of pain take over my body, causing convulsions, no control, all feeling, no hope

You always come to mind. Always finding your way into my thoughts, whether happy or sad it’s always a memory…there’s a natural sadness in that.

If guys only think about sex, then you’re like my sex if I were a guy. No lie, every minute I find you in my thoughts, I zone out to thought of you without even realizing how you’ve gotten there. It’s always a surprise that you’ve appeared again but it’s predictable. Of course I would think about you…all the time. I care about you, I worry about you, I love you, I think about you and your state, what you’re doing, how you’re doing…my mind is stuck on this track. It’s always playing a song that’s dedicated to you.

I see you everywhere. I see your face around every corner, replacing the faces of people who may only have a sliver of a resemblance to you. It only takes them to be wearing a sweater similar to yours or a similar walk for me to think that it’s you and for my eyes to betray me momentarily. I see you all the time, everywhere because I want to see you. I want you to be close. Physically and Emotionally. I guess, in a way, I’m tricking myself. I’m tricking myself to be happy because I’m happy when you’re near.

So, you have a you. That person that can bring a smile to your face in the darkest of times and makes the air smell a little bit sweeter when they pop up in your mind.  Your you is perfect in every way, except for the fact that they’re not actually with you.  For whatever reason, they’re your you and not yours. They might not be gay, they may be gay, they may be unavailable (or just unavailable to you), they may be a friend or a stranger, next door or a million miles away but their unattainability is what makes them stick, makes them so gawddang delectable, what makes them the only thing you need in life.  You crave them, their sweet smile, their laugh that’s music to your ears, you just want them to hold you and never let go.  But you can’t have all that, they’re not yours.  You beat yourself up over you. Your life seems like a tragedy as you play out the oldest heartache in the world, unrequited love. Do yourself a favor, make it or break it, see to it that that you becomes yours and don’t do that half assed shit, take it all the way, we don’t want anymore problems along the way do we? In the meantime, work on you, we get so lost in our yous that we forget ourselves in the process. We’re left more broken and unsatisfied than before.

I want to run my hands over your skin, tracing the outline of your body

a bite here, a tickle there, tingles everywhere

I want to run my fingers through your hair and hold your face in my hands

I want to kiss every inch of your body, leaving no part of your body untouched by my lips

I want to hear your laugh, hear you moan, feel your hands grasping for something to hold on to

I want to feel your back bending upward to the sky as if it were trying to reach the heavens

I want to feel your body under mine tangled, limbs intertwined and moving as if we were one

Drowning my sorrows and anger in a way I find least self destructive

I slip my headphones onto my ears to block out the world for awhile

But I can still hear the cars whizzing past my window, my thoughts on repeat turning themselves over and over and my heart screaming out in pain

That won’t do so I thumb the click wheel of my iPod, clockwise

The song grows in volume and in my mind, inching out my own thoughts

The music begins to slam harder and harder against my eardrums breaking apart the chains imprisoning me, hurting me, breaking me

It’s my escape from the past, the present, the future and me

Getting lost in a landscape not of this world

Lessening my grasp on reality and letting the music lead the way

I follow the melody forward with the lyrics by my side as my guide

My heart starts to sync with the beat

My thoughts become the song

And I am freed